I was so naive to assume that as we got older and hopefully wiser, that our friendships would mature as well. I was wrong....or I just have picked lousy "besties" for the past 5-10 years! I have(had) a close circle of friends, three to be exact. Out of these three, two lived within a 15 mile radius of me, while the other thousands of miles away. Obviously, the relationship between the two closer geographically would be different than my long distance friend, also the fact that the LDF is male changes it a bit as well.
For the past 5 years, I have been going through a very difficult time with my mother's health. Short version: diagnosed with emphysema...didn't stop smoking...tethered to an oxygen tank...a cold led to being put on a respirator...stupid dr made bad choices....trach put in as she couldn't get off the vent machine....sent 2 1/2 hours away to a facility to help her get "weened" off the machine. I am an only child and my mother's local family are as useless as trying to breathe underwater. After about two years at the facility, she gave up trying and through tears hoped that I would understand and forgive her for not being able to ever "come home". What could I say?? These were not my shoes to walk in at all. But all this is for another post one day.
So through these past five years, my "three" knew the circumstances, the stress, the love, the loss, the emptiness I was going through. Many hours spent talking about the "what if this happens" kind of scenarios, and I always "knew" they would be there to hold me up through the inevitable.
The "almost" inevitable started coming in April of this year. A "mass" was found after repeated trips to ER for pneumonia. She refused testing to see what "it" was, and there was really no point anyways. Over the next few weeks, she was given "days" to live and I transferred her closer to me to basically die. One of the closer "besties" chose to block me from FB in February due to " I am sinking a dark hole and I don't want to drag you with me". Stupidest thing I ever heard. Friends are suppose to be there to help you through those times. Lots of hurt there. The other closer"bestie" has been pulling away for a year and she is the kind of person who won't tell you the truth of the matter. She is afraid to hurt you...so she won't tell you anything. That works well...NOT!
At first, when this happened with mom in April, the "bestie" still speaking to me was there for me, calling and texting, Facebooking me and messaging me. Then, it slowed way down. All my FB statuses were basically about how alone I felt...no family...where were my friends??? ( You always find out who your friends are when you go through this kind of stuff.) She sends me a message saying she thought I wanted to be alone. Oh please. I realized she was great for FBing support...made her look good, didn't it?? But couldn't show up to my house or drive with me to my see my mom, or share a cup of coffee or a hug. That was too much, and those were the things I needed the most. I have a bunch of "friends" on FB that can ONLY support, encourage, love me via FB. She could do those things in the flesh, and chose not to.
My LDR "bestie" is still there for me, bless his soul. And I will be eternally grateful for that. He lost his mom just a months before all this happened. I was there for him the most I could be living so far away. I was also there for the other two when they were going through their own griefs. The one who blocked me lost her 31 year old brother suddenly to a heart attack. I called everyday as she is one who totally wants to be left alone. I bugged her every day to just let her know I was there...and of course, wanted to make sure she was ok. The other one went through 6 months of taking care of her mother in law and watching a brain tumor take her life. Again, called every day, "do you need anything", let her vent and rant and cry all she needed.
Always so hard when going through something like that. You feel so helpless to help your friends. But I did unto "others" the way I would like to be done unto. I knew my day would come and I would need them. So they day has come....and they are no where to be found.
It has taken me a long time to get past the majority of betrayal and resentment I feel towards them. I wish I could say I was totally over it, but this post tells me...and you , reader, that I am not. I tell my son all the time ~ "Life is not fair". And, it isn't. There are very few things you can really count on these days. I was just naive enough to think that a 5 year or 10 year friendship would be one of them.
Thanks for listening to my rantings today, reader. Hope this finds each of you well.
Addie Rose
No comments:
Post a Comment